i remember

As I look back on these past 3 months.

It is quite a blur.

3 weeks-1 month became 6 months.

Unexpected financial needs were provided miraculously in ways only God could author.

A few surgeries became 6 within 6 weeks.

We thought Adam may lose his eyesight despite those surgeries.

Even though Adam had gone 10, or was it 12, weeks without eyelids and still had vision.

Even though all odds were against him and his life and his sight.

Even though we made it in time, the money was raised in time, and the surgeries were done.

There was that risk.

For his eyes were to be sutured shut for days.

Babies can lose sight quickly. That is what we were told.

And I was scared.

I was terrified.

I was even a bit angry.

I felt as though we had worked so hard to moisten his eyes hourly and prayed so hard and hoped so deeply.

And now, in America?

With the best surgeons around?

With eyelids on?

Still, he could lose his sight?

Surely, not.

For, in America, under great surgeon’s care, everything would be perfect.

 

Oh my. How wrong.

No matter where we are.

No matter where Adam is.

Life is given and taken away.

By One.

The One who authored life.

Sight is given by One.

Whose eyes even saw our son’s unformed body in that little woman’s womb.

I had taken my eyes off of that One.

I had placed them on doctors, hospitals, America, medicine.

 

Instead of spending hours before Him.

I spent hours in anxious waiting.

I spent hours crying frustrated and confused tears.

I cried out to Him that it was not fair and that Adam deserved eyes to see.

 

Oh how silly of me.

 

I remember one night breaking about this to my husband.

He also had been thru his fair struggles.

Yet his wisdom and restful spirit were a bit advanced from mine.

I remember him telling me that “even if Adam goes blind, this is so much bigger than Adam having eyes to see”

 

That angered me.

Deep, deep within.

I was not angry with my husband, though I acted it.

I was more angry with the Almighty, the Author of my son’s life and the Redeemer of my life.

 

I was angry at the Truth of that.

That “He gives, He takes away, His name be ever praised”

 

I remembered the parable He told, when He walked this fragile earth.

Of the boy born blind.

It was not because of his sin.

It was not because of his parent’s sin.

It was because of the Glory HE would receive.

 

And really, what do I ultimately desire?

That that is temporary?

Or that that is eternal?

For this body, this flesh, it is fading.

Word says it is like the grass of the field.

So why would I long more for that in my son, than that that is eternal?

Why would I long for maybe 70 years of sight on earth compared to eternal glory for many?

It is hard yes.

Maybe it sounds too radical.

But Solomon saw all that man labored after and it was meaningless.

Sight is not the end all be all.

To me, a new ferocious mama bear in the world, it was.

But HE reminded me gently, it is not.

HE IS.

 

Adam’s life has been witnessed by so many.

Definitely complications were many.

Outcomes could have been poor.

Eyesight topped off the list of those possibilities.

 

It took days, probably weeks.

To know His peace in the midst of my emotions and anger.

His still small voice had to be heard thru a heart with sound proof walls that had been erected.

 

But He did speak.

And I did here.

 

“Be still”

“Know”

 

He alone brought Adam from the womb.

That in itself was a miracle.

He alone brought him into our arms.

He alone ordained the miraculous treatment and provision he is undergoing.

He alone is to be praised.

 

He will succeed.

And His success is not dependent on my definition of success.

No, for His ways are far beyond my ways. And His thoughts are far beyond my thoughts.

 

So I am daily longing for faith to believe whatever he places before me regarding my son’s life.

He does have eyesight.

That is a miracle!

Alas! I pray I never forget to praise Him for that.

He continues to provide all of our needs.

May I not forget to cry that out.

For if I do forget, the rocks and stones will surely testify.

 

Friends, His ways are beyond our ways.

As are His thoughts.

I know what it is to rage within and disagree with status quo and future fears.

Rest. Be still. He is Abba. He knows.

He gives.

He does take too.

And thru it all, He will be praised.

May our hearts be softened and steadied to praise Him thru it all.

“trust an unknown future to a known God”

-corrie ten boom

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